My Blog

From the start, I never thought of being baptized in the Roman Catholic religion.  I think of becoming a member only when I married my husband.  This doesn’t mean that I’m against with this sect; it’s just that my parents did not encourage us to join although we were taught and practiced some teachings in school.  I remember when I was small that we are so religious.  Our father taught us how to pray and we always pray together esp. before going to sleep.  But I don’t remember of going to church together.  I just wonder why?  I’ve noticed that we didn’t belong to any religious group at that time.  My parents did not allow us to join but it’s ok with them that we go to church even if it is Catholic.  For my parents, as long as we know Jesus as our personal savior, it is not important what group we belonged. 

And now that I’m married, I wanted to go to church with my family.  I don’t care what group may I belonged.  Most important is that we pray together and we have faith in GOD.  I wanted my children to be god-fearing.  Although there is some practices that I am really against with but I understand ‘coz there is no such perfect religion.  Anyway, I’ve just signed up for baptism and confirmation two days ago (June 24) together with my baby.   I just hope and pray that GOD will continue to bless, guide and protect us.  I’m not trying to be HOLY ‘coz it’s hard to act like one.  As human being, I also have some shortcomings like my moody behavior that’s so hard to timing.  I think it’s maybe because I work a lot of time as a breadwinner.  My friends say or even my husband also says that I needed a break for me to relax.  I wanted to but I just don’t have enough time and money to spend.  All I wanted after work is to go home, be with my baby (whom I missed the whole day) and watch TV with my husband.  I wanted life as simple as that.  But I know that GOD has plans for my family and our jobs.  That’s why I’m don’t lose hope that someday GOD will provide everything (high paid jobs, have our own house and more wonderful kids).  Sometimes when I pray, I’m ashamed of what I’ve been doing or acting (esp. undesirable ones).  I’m afraid GOD will not hear my prayers because I did so much bad things.  What can I do? I’m just a human who has uncontrollable anger that is so easy to provoke. And this one I always ask GOD for, that HE may cleanse my heart and mind (the whole me) so that I will no longer feel hatred anymore but Love.   Just like how my husband handles his anger with his sister (who is so maldita and disrespectful).  I’ve never seen such person who can handle that way.  I mean, he just turned and walked away everytime his sister starts banging with him.  I wish I could do that also.  I really admired him for being so calm and patient.  And I am thankful for having him ‘coz he taught me how to control anger and its outcome when permitted to control one’s heart and mind.

May 25, 2006

Unexpected grudges.

It’s been a long while since I lengthened my patience to the person (a member of the family) who has no respect for my husband and for my child.  Maybe you wonder why did I say that.  Or maybe I’m just so sensitive/overprotective when it comes to family matters.  I don’t know if I’m right with my feelings but I just couldn’t bear to hear or see my husband and daughter being criticized by some “undisciplined feeling perfect” persons.  And what I hated most was that this “HILAS” person is happened to be a member of the family (side of my husband).  I am proud to say that my husband is a polite type of guy and really good on “pakikisama”(which sometimes I also hated most).  And my little angel is just so quiet and sweet but despite of this, she was being mocked by this “evil person”.  I heard her saying my baby looks like a foul kitten, sluggish and ugly????????? (ggggrrrrrr…..)  Imagine what would a mother react to those dim-witted words?  With those words, I can say that she really didn’t like my baby the same way she treated her brother (my husband).  I really have no idea why she disrespects my husband.  My husband did nothing to her.  She always shouts at him and criticizes his works as if he is the most stupid person living on this earth where in fact she also has some wicked attitude like always arguing/opposing her mother’s requests (kusog mutubag-tubag bah!)  It’s maybe because she was used to it since childhood.  I mean, maybe no one is teaching/educating her some good morals.  That’s why she already make it a habit and became her attitude to always curse her brother.  I just hope that someday she will not experienced what we had with her.  I mean, someday when she will have a family, I just pray that no one in her husband’s side would do what she did to us ‘coz I believe in the sayings “don’t do unto other’s what you don’t want to do unto you”. 

I really thought that we could always count on our families. But not with her in this case.  For now, what I’m doing to ignore her is to pretend like she did not exist. I don’t talk to her or even smile to her.  If she didn’t like us, why would I bother? Who cares if she didn’t like us?  I don’t like her either and she is not the type of relative that I would give respect to.   She is not the type of “TITA” that my daughter would admire with.  She feels like that she is the most perfect, nice, intelligent, beautiful (!!!???????!!!!) person in this world.  Where in fact she has none (as in 0.00%) of the above mentioned traits. I know that there are really people who are like this one.  I’m just not prepared to meet them and unfortunately, I am living with them.  I wonder why GOD allows us to live with this kind of people.  I thought maybe because HE wanted to measure our faith with HIM and, how long should I stay with my marriage.  I am beginning to understand that marriage is not always happiness.  Sometimes it’s about struggle, giving, acceptance and respect. That’s why I always give honor to my marriage and to GOD’s special gift to me; my baby.  Having them is what I’ve always wanted and thanked GOD for giving them to me and by thinking these wonderful things I treasured most the next thing I know is that all bad experiences turned into DUST.  Only that, it’s always present in the air. And it so sad to think that I have to live with it forever.☺☻    

All my life I think this was the happiest moment that I’ve experienced. Why? Because I have just gave birth to my beautiful and precious daughter that I’ve always praying for. Although she is now only one week old, I can feel that she’s with me for very long time or should I say since I was born. I can’t express the feeling every time I watched her angelic face while she’s sleeping. She seems so happy ☺♥♫♫ like me and secure. Despite of the very noisy environment that we have (music that is so loud enough for my baby to shake and then cry maybe because she was shocked of the impact), she still tries to sleep as deep as she could hoping that she grows fast, develops strong bones and get older so that she could stand infront of the person (the one that causes so much noise) who didn’t have any nice attitude and slap‼‼ her ugly face. I don’t understand why there are people like the one I’ve mentioned who are so mean. Sometimes I think of leaving but because I love and respect my husband, I learned to extend my patience (for the 1st time) a little longer. At this time, I can attest what my married friends said about living together as an extended family. There is really nothing you can do when troubles come except to shut up. There are words and rumors you heard that sometimes make your head explode but because of my precious gem, I learned to calm down and wait for my turn. It’s really true that having a child can complete a woman (with a husband of course). When I was still single, I have this feeling of emptiness that I can’t figure out for so many years. After 6 long tough years (I hope my counting is right) of having a relationship with my long time boyfriend (now my husband ♂), there is only one thing that I have always wanted: to bear a CHILD. And it’s also true that you have to ask GOD for you to have it. I had so many nights crying and begging the LORD to grant that wish or should I say “my prayer” to me. Sometimes I thought maybe because we (including my husband) didn’t confess our sins (we are not married and yet doing things that married persons do). What can I do? My boyfriend is not financially stable yet and I have a sister to support. But still I pray to GOD and whoaahhh!!!! He granted my prayer. And now I am so happy living with it. I can say that GOD is so great and he loves us all (esp. the sinners). Now I am so satisfied with my life inspite of the trials (financial matters) that we are facing. But when I think of my little angel and my wonderful marriage, I can say that I AM NOW COMPLETE and THANKS TO GOD for it.